from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
should I fuck that poor girl
no dude she won't be able to afford a fucking abortion
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
It's weekends like this that make it obvious why we have to pay to come to college.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
Randomize
