My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
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