You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
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