I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.
Randomize
