Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
Houston, we have a blender
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
