im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
I remember nothing of last night, but I did manage to figure out which frats I went to by the trails of straw across campus.
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
