I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
And he put my hair in my clip while i blew him...and he did a good job
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize
