RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
He? As in you personified your dick?
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
I'm going to use this quarantine time to improve my blowjob skills.
Randomize
