I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
That's the great thing about NY, if you pee your dress you have an entire cab ride to air dry your panties before the next club.
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Randomize
