She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
I'm skeptical of all drag queens.
That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
Randomize
