I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
pray to the hookup gods
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
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