So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
i just realized why god gave us younger siblings....to DD for us when we come home for the summers
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
Just started taking liver support pills. Welcome to Senior year.
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
Randomize
