Just fell off a train. Bad.
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
it's all just a bunch of faces and i remember what the floor looked like.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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