My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
with the way the semester is going, being a stripper is starting to sound better and better everyday
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
