The maid of honor just puked.
Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
Randomize
