Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
