I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
i will never coherently bang her
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
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