Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
oh god was she eating orange peels again
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
I have no idea how but i got a hold of a blue food dye packet. And proceeded to rub it all over my tits. So yeah i'd say its safe to say i'll be known as smurfette for a while
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
It’s so white trash that I almost have to have it.
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