You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
it's business casual sex. like no kissing, shake hands after, occasional frequency
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
Randomize
