I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
Literally like 10 people walking in my building talking about how much they hate draco
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
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