Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
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