I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
I'm scared
There's nothing to be scared of. My penis is average size.
That's what I'm afraid of
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
Randomize
