Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
i wonder what megan fox's vagina feels like.
Heaven soaked bacon.
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
Randomize
