new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
is it gross that my labia hangs so much that guys can't find my clit?
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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