dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
