i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
Randomize
