I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
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