genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
Watched twin sisters make out thought it was amazing sick on their part but legit to watch
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
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