whjeg hajt iyt
say what?
wanna hang out?
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
i just made my gag reflex go away.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
I wish there were college classes that were useful to your daily life, like how to pack a proper bowl in pitch black darkness.
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
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