woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Randomize
