Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
Randomize
