if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
I love watching others lives come down to our level.
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
just hooked up with a guy ON MY CAMPUS VISIT. god only knows whats gonna happen when im actually a student
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
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