I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
He called his prostate his "boner button".
Yo. I have a shitload of cardboard. We have to build a smoke hut in the smoke room with a tunnel connected to a cat house. This way the kitty can join us whenever she pleases
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
Saturday morning. Went into a study room excited b/c some1 had left a paper w/ an inspirational quote: YOU ARE cApable of aChieving anything yoU waNT. Then I read the bold letters.....
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
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