the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
get over here now. the boys are doing shots of everclear, chasing with monster, and some dude jsut walked in with a backpack full of tattoo gear.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
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