If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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