Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
sweet sixteen by hillary duff just came on and i feel like i let lizzie mcguire down for being such a stoner
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
I party with great urgency now.
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