I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
Randomize