Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
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