frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
Randomize
