you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
I'm having to shit out rocks
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize
