I can't breathe out the right side of my face
i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
