i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Randomize
