just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
We are NOT roofying him just to get him to pass out so we can build a masive snow cock in his yard.
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
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