Ryan Reynolds porn could be a WMD. Have a giant TV on the front of your tank, and just drive around playing it. Everyone dies of orgasm overload.
That's it. Iraq is done. Everyone dies, game over man.
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
I paid your cover too so you're on the list as tits mcgee. You're welcome :D
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Randomize
