I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Randomize
