Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
Randomize
