Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
some girl that im facebook friends with has H1N1, im scared to even go to her facebook page
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
I use my feet as sexual weapons
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
Randomize
