I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
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