Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
I don't know what the fuck is in the water in New Hampshire, but these dicks are HUGE.
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
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