sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
Randomize
