omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
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