I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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