I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Randomize