so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
well when i got there she was attempting to stick the cat in her mouth.. so maybe you should go check on her
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
