Farmville is her only friend.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
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