i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
Randomize