just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
Randomize
