My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
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