Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
Randomize
