i just realized that fran drescher is the 90's version of a guidette.
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
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