Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
Is 'too horny to study' a good enough medical excuse to not take a final?
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
Randomize
